I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have aggressive nipples.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
