What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize