It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
