my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
