I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
