I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
