now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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