Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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