tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
