I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
