You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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