I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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