I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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