He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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