he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
