I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
