It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
