We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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