Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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