I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
