I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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