How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish I only lived at night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize