I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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