i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize