Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
