My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
