at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
