Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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