She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
