i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
