some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
