just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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