my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
