she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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