woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
