I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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