dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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