You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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