everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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