Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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