Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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