It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
