Don't make out with my wife yet
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
