She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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