I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
