This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
