Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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