some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
did you just send me my own nude
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
