So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize