Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
