Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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