Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
