I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
