that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
