just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I need to calm my uterus...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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